A woman's three biggest lies - A woman's three biggest lies... 1-You're the Biggest. 2-You're the Best. 3-It doesn't always taste like that.
Suppository In Her Ear - A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows: D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear. L: ?eh? D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR! L: ??EH?? D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! --A SUPPOSITORY!!! L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid!
Sho Is a Wonder - One day Rastus and Liza Jane were sitting at the bus stop when Rastus ups and asks, "Liza Jane can I's look up your dress before the bus gets here?" Liza Jane was startled and said, "No Rastus you cain't!" Well Rastus persisted and persisted till finally Liza Jane said, "Alright if'n it will shut you up you can." So Rastus looks up her dress and sees that see has no panties on to which he exclaims, "Sho is a wonder!" Well the bus shows up and they gets on. Next day, Rastus and Liza Jane are sitting there again when Rastus ups and asks her, "Liza Jane, can I look up your dress again?" Well Liza Jane at first refused, but as the day before she then gave in. So Rastus looks up there and seeing no panties he exclaims, again, "Sho is a wonder!" Well this goes on for a few days when on the last day that Liza Jane would permit Rastus to look up her dress she tells him, "Rastus you can look up my dress but you have to tell me one thing?" Rastus replies, "What's that?" "Every time you look up my dress you says, "Sho is a wonder. Sho is a wonder what?" To which Rastus replies, "Sho is a wonder your guts don't fall out!!"
Diary of a New Snow Shoveler - Decenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor December 14th Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back into shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15th 20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska after all.. December 16th Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel Decenber 17th Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when she's right. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're to busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.. December 22nd Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23rd Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts?> Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's damn well lying. December 24th 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow. December 25th Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%%^&*(!-slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shove. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her December 26th Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was ALL HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27th Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 28th Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!! December 29th 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever hear. How dumb does he think I am? December 30th The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her Mother. 9" predicted. December 31st Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling. Januare 8th I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.Why am I tied to the bed?????
Measure Intelligence - Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Sure signs that you're broke! - 1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" 2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. 3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. 4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln. 5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch. 6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. 7. Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul. 8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. 9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. 10. Your bologna has no first name. 11. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice. 12. Sally Struthers sends you food. 13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. 14. At communion you go back for seconds.
Penis and the Windsheild - A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything ... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc ... and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk. So she says to him: "One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife". About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's dick off, and throws it out the window. Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three : husband, wife, and a 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter). The observant daughter asks: "Daddy, what was that?" Her father, still in a panic, says, "Oh it was only a.....uh........butterfly". "Must've been a big butterfly," replied the daughter... "Did you see the size of it's dick!
Difference Between Nun and Bathtub - What's the difference between a woman in the bath tub and a nun? The nun has a soul full of hope. What's the difference between a circus and a Las Vegas Dance Show? The circus is an array of cunning stunts. Holly Happidays
Blondes and Bras - How can you tell if a blonde stuffs her bra? They'll be sqaure because they forget to take the Klennex out of the box.
Monica's Favorite Food - Q: What is Monica's favorite chinese food? A: Cream of sum young guy.
What Gets Bigger? - Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!" With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you: "One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment!"
Yo Momma's So Fat - Yo momma's so fat her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a Milk Dud!!
The Kid Who Knew too much - One day a boy approached his mother with a question. "Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other ?" His mother ,very suprised, replies; "Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight". The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why... "Mom thats not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!"
The Educational Toy - The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. "Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk. "It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam," the shop assistant replied.... "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."
Twelve Days of Xmas (Classic) - December 14th Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes -------------------------------------- December 15th Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes -------------------------------------- December 16th Dear John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind. Love Agnes --------------------------------------- December 17th Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes ---------------------------------------- December 18th Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ----------------------------------------- December 19th Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP! Cordially, Agnes ------------------------------------------ December 20th John: What's with you and those fricking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fricking birds! Sincerely, Agnes ------------------------------------------- December 21st OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own damn cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS. Ag ---------------------------------------------- December 22nd Hey Buttface: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And geeeez - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours. From Ag ---------------------------------------------- You Rotten Prick: Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've gotdiarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it, Ag ---------------------------------------------- December 24th Listen Asshole: What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister ---------------------------------------------- December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar) Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.